Oh right, wrapping

Recently I was basking in the glory of having finished my Christmas shopping and was enjoying being one of those assholes who proudly proclaims it in front of everyone, especially people who haven't even started their shopping, chuckling at their laziness and bad sense of timing. I hate those smug early Christmas gift shoppers and now I am one of them (not that it's really that early). I was looking over my lists, my "to-do" list, my "to-go" list and my "to-get" list and then the list I have to keep track of my lists and I realized I don't have anything left to buy.

I started thinking that maybe I can move on to the next phase of Christmas craziness; what to do Christmas eve and what I'm cooking for Christmas dinner. But then it hit me that the giant pile of stuff taking over my walk-in closet now needs to be wrapped. Right. I guess I assumed a pack of hyperactive elves would do it. That's clearly not happening.

I don't even know if I have enough wrapping paper! Do I have ANY wrapping paper? Do I have bows? Tissue paper? You know what this means? I have to go BACK to the store and get some shit. Tape? Do I have tape? I don't even think I know where there's a pair of scissors.

I guess I'm not as organized as I thought. Ok, time to redo the to-do list and include an entire afternoon of wrapping. I HATE wrapping. I'll put on Love Actually and try to enjoy it I guess.

I used to be one of those wrapping snobs who fusses over the wrapping, carefully tying beautiful bows and including an ornament or handmade gift tag. HA! No more; the criteria is that the entire box is covered, that's all I care about.

10 days left......

I don't see what is so goddamn funny about it, really

I took a long ride today to go see my daughter's boss's house which is a LEED house which means it's super-dee-duperly energy efficient and it has reclaimed wood and reclaimed everything and it's a GREEN house. It's not the color green but it's got loads of green technology but that's not what this post is about. You always make me get off track.

Naturally while riding I was playing the radio because I'm lame like that and I don't have an MP3 player or even a 6 disc cd changer and I have to change my cd's one at at TIME!! GAH! That's not what this is about either. I get off track easily. So I'm listening to the radio and naturally being Christmas time the old stand-bys are constantly playing like It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, clearly written by a man since they don't have to do any of the shopping, cooking and decorating. News flash - It's so NOT the most wonderful time of the year. Not even close.

Then there's the Christmas carols that make you want to wrap yourself in Christmas lights and jump in the shower. In this category we have Dominick the Donkey. First of all, why and how is this a Christmas Carol? Giggedy-gig hee-haw it's Dominick the Donkey, the Italian Christmas Donkey. The. Italian. Christmas. Donkey. WHAT???? How on earth is this even remotely funny, interesting, or Christmasy? SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!!

One notch below Dominick is The Hannukah (is it Channukah or Chaka-Kan? - I don't know) Song by Adam Sandler. In this song he sings about who is and who is not a jew. I don't see anything funny about this at all. It's not that I'm offended or anything I just don't see why everyone laughs their stupid heads off when this song plays. It's not funny. At. All.

Well there you have it - the daily Christmas rant. I'm almost done my shopping and I'm so scared to open my credit card bill I'm just going to send them a random amount of money so I don't have to see what the balance is. Ack!!!!

In summary, I'm fat and broke - yup, it's Christmas!!

Oh Holy Night (and Day)

There better be a god and baby jesus because if I'm doing all this running around in the name of this blessed annual event and it turns out there isn't a god and baby jesus, I'm gonna be pissed.

I told you earlier that I was not a big fan of the Christmas season and that I actually love the war on Christmas because it pisses religious people off and that's a hobby of mine. Maybe I didn't tell you that but I'm telling you now. And frankly this is absolute madness, this holiday insanity. Let me recap what has occurred since the last time I complained about Christmas. It's another list because you know I enjoy lists:

1) I have now written out a total of 5 (yes 5) Christmas cards. There are only 5 people worthy of getting a Christmas card from me. If you didn't get one, I'm sorry you didn't qualify. And technically they're not Christmas cards in that they aren't the slightest bit religious. In fact I think it's a polar bear giving a smaller bear a wedgie while the smaller bear decorates a tree. or something.

2) I have decorated my tree which looks lovely. The good news here is I didn't contemplate suicide even once while I did it. So, good on me there.

3) I have spent upwards of a lot of money on gifts leaving my original plan of taking it easy this year (a plan I attempt to employ each year) in the dust.

4) I have eaten more chocolate than I care to discuss. Mostly M & M's and this is due to the fact that shortly after complaining that I never win anything, I won a contest at our annual Christmas shindig at work in which you had to guess how many M&M's are in a jar and I was the closest. So fuck me I finally won and now I'm fat.

5) I have gained my maximum allotted number of pounds and there's still 2 1/2 weeks left. I'm screwed.

Today I ran around like a nutbag at work then I went to the mall, WalMart, came home and discovered that the dough I made this morning to make calzones for hubby's Christmas party tomorrow was worth shit and had to run out to buy dough.

So put a Christmas themed fork in me, I'm done.

Stuff I want to talk about and stuff that aggravates me and a public service announcement

Oh hi. A few minutes ago I got aggravated about something and I was going to write about it and now I forgot. It couldn't have been that aggravating if I already forgot! Maybe I'll think of it before I finish writing.

So, what the hell? It's only 3 weeks to Christmas? How did that happen? I just picked up the last pumpkin seed off my kitchen floor and I'm already behind on wrapping gifts. Jesus! As usual I started out with a list and a budget and hahahahahaha - budgets!!! That's funny. The budget is out the window - screw it, I'll figure it out later. Every time I take out my Discover card it screams a little. Oh well, isn't that what Christmas is all about, getting drunk, making out with strangers under the mistletoe, I mean, spending way too much money on everything and everyone? Right? Am I the only one who totally blows the budget on Christmas?
Please tell me I'm not.

Secondly, or thirdly, I discovered yesterday as my hubby was dragging the tree across the floor and as the sun was streaming in the house that my house is a filthy rotten pig sty. It's not messy, it's dirty. Last night in a fit of insanity I vacuumed everything in sight. It helped a little.

Oh I just remembered what pissed me off earlier, people who forward emails about scary shit that isn't real. Damn it people!!! Stop it! How about a little fact-checking??? Please? I got one from my aunt who is a right winger claiming that atheists (evil-doers) are trying to get religious broadcasts taken off the air! Gadzooks no! Except it's not true. Then I got one claiming that clerks at WalMart (also evil) are putting in for cash back on your purchases and then keeping the cash! Cashiers all over the country at WalMart simultaneously came up with the scheme. How clever and also unrealistic that seems. Have you seen WalMart cashiers? They're not coming up with anything that clever, trust me. The one I had the other day couldn't figure out how to spin the bag carousel so..... This latest email is also untrue. Try this people www.snopes.com.

So as promised here is my PSA and it's entitled:

ARE MY GUMS BLEEDING?

A few weeks ago I purchased this toothpaste:






it promised me that my teeth would be SO white and my breath would be fresh and life would be so much better.

And see what it says on the box? It's NEW! That always means that it will be awesome.

The problem is this: The toothpaste is ORANGE. It doesn't taste orange but it is orange and while it doesn't turn your teeth orange (thankfully) when you spit it out it looks like you're bleeding. Seriously. Every day I have to wonder whether there is actually any blood in my toothpaste spit. And if you were bleeding, you'd never know it. So while it's not a bad toothpaste, I don't recommend it unless you enjoy seeing bloody spit in your sink.

Happy Monday!

Cancel that order of anthrax

So after the events of yesterday where the lunchbox throwdown ended badly and people took it to a whole new level, I thought of the many ways in which I could deter the refrigerator hogs from continuing their behavior. I thought I could bring their lunchboxes into the bathroom with me, put them on the toilet seat and give it a good flush (note: our toilets spray for 60 feet when you flush them) or perhaps ordering some anthrax or fecal coliform online (I'm assuming you can get it online or at least on ebay) to put in their lunchboxes.

After I thought about it for a while, I did what I usually do, I said fuck it. Even though some people agreed that the germ boxes didn't belong in the fridge, they weren't willing to open their mouths and say anything because god forbid everybody doesn't like them.

It's dumb, right? I mean, I can't make the fridge hogs change their behavior, they think they're right and I think I'm right. So my only option is to not use the fridge or join them and put my lunchbox (thanks I have one) in there too. I won't do that so I brought a cooler. Problem solved.

So why did it irk me so much? Let's break it down:

Irk#1: Someone's lunchbox is ON my sandwich. Irksome. Sandwich is somewhat squashed. Ok, so I write "please don't put your lunchbox on my sandwich" on the whiteboard on the fridge.

Irk#2: Instead of the response on the whiteboard being "oops, sorry" or even nothing at all, which would have ended it, it said basically "don't put your sandwich under our lunchboxes". Well, it didn't say that but it blamed the sandwich for the lunchbox being on top of it. Like if your kid was sitting on your other kid holding him down, you come in and blame the kid on the bottom. Actually it said "if you put your sandwich in a drawer that wouldn't happen". Oh.

Irk#3: The internet became involved. Blogs and facebook. If you're reading this and I'm sure one or two of you are, you see that I have no picture on this blog and no identification. My facebook page has a picture (from 30 years ago) and it has only a little personal information about me. This blog and facebook are not linked. I don't cross reference them and I like it that way. I'm kind of private and when someone takes time to let everyone know not only how wrong I was but also how dumb I was for feeling that way, it bothered me. Look, I KNOW I'm a douche, I don't need to read about it online. I know it was meant as a joke, just like the time Dean Kacos chased me with a snake when I was 17. He was kidding but the terror I felt was no joke. And it was silly that it escalated to this - I KNOW!!!

Irk#4: Naturally the fans of the blog it was posted on and the facebook friends all agreed with the writer and proceeded to agree with what a douche I was and how douchey it was for me to feel anything about it. I need to get laid and get a life and such.......So yea, my feelings were hurt. And I don't feel that I should have to apologize or feel like an asshole because I have feelings.

Irk#5: Has nothing to do with the incident: I miss my mom, I feel lousy and I let this stupid thing get to me. But who can explain feelings? On another day, I might have been able to blow it off but for some reason I couldn't.

So I guess I apologize for being an oversensitive douche.

Oh snap! I hope that doesn't happen

For some time now there has been a brouhaha at work about whether people should put their INSULATED lunch boxes inside the refrigerator in the break room.

As for me, I am of the opinion that the very reason for the insulated lunch box is so you don't have to or because you can't put your stuff in (or don't have access to) a refrigerator. If you bring your lunch in a lunch box, it makes more sense to empty the cold contents of it into the fridge leaving plenty of room for other people to put their stuff.

There are those at work who maintain that it's perfectly ok to plunk their large pieces of luggage down in the fridge even on top of someone's sandwich. No problem.

Forget about the fact that once 4 or 5 people come in with those things there's no room in the fridge for anyone else's stuff or that god only knows where they've been, on the floor of your car, the floor, the ground outside, the bathroom, no problem. I'll gladly put my sandwich down right next to your lunchbox that has incalculable amounts of germs on it. Feel free to put it down right on top of my sandwich and then when I ask you not to, feel also free to not apologize but lambaste me for not having enough sense to shelter my sandwich from your germ-ridden monstrosity. Pardon me.

I just hope that nobody gets the inkling to somehow find a way to germ up your lunch bag. That would be terrible.

The germy lunchbag people win this one because after two years of fighting with them, I brought my lunch in a cooler.

Shhhhhhh don't tell anyone.

This is so private so don't tell ANYONE at all. Ok? Great.

I love lists so here's another one for your enjoyment entitled "What I did at work today".

1) Drank coffee and check blogs. Also the Huffington Post.

2) Watched Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World". (I had to watch something while I finished my coffee.

3) Ate breakfast. Everyone gets a break, right?

4) Ate a stale not really that tasty Portuguese cookie leftover from someone's apparent Portuguese Thanksgiving.

5) Sorted the mail. (Actually work related!)

6) Did some other worky shit for 8.2 minutes.

7) LUNCH!

8) Lucy Time! Held, played with and cooed at my friend's (Hi Kristen) baby. She's the sweetest little doll. I can't resist her!!! Who could?

9) Discussed with co-workers what we would be wearing to the company Christmas party on Friday. We're getting matching Pashminas.

10) Discussed the possibility of having a staff talent show although the staff talent is limited to playing Hava Nigela on the organ and giving blow jobs (also on an organ - ironic). (Hi Kristen).

11) Discussed the nuances of Dora the Explorer, SpongeBob Squarepants and Mr. Rogers and realized it would have been funnier if instead of changing his sneakers and sweater, he sang his song while in the bathroom.

12) Ate a few more things. (if you were here before, you saw that it said at a few more things and you were totally confused)

13) Quitting time! See you tomorrow.